my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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