Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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