So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
