Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
