The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
