He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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