Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
