The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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