I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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