next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
