I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
