she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize