my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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