id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize