Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
