The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
