He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
