i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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