Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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