Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My bed smells like the plague
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
