I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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