I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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