Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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