mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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