I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
