i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize