ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love you. Go after that dick
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
