that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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