Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
