Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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