I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
