And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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