just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
