Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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