I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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