i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
