when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
