No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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