I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
