She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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