i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
