Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
