He uses pillows to masturbate.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
