Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize