So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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