My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
