I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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