only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
