I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
