All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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