I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
