Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize