he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
