My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
