i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
