there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
