i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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