i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
