I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
