I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
